Thank you for calling (insert any company name here). You will wait a veeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy long time to speak to an agent.
Though we are a telephone and internet service company, our servers and bandwidth are precisely one-quarter of what is necessary for the normal call volume we experience. In addition, we have about a third of the call center employees required and they are located in a non-English-speaking country. Please don’t yell at them, we did not train them beyond how to articulately pronounce their English screen name that comes with the head-set they’ve been assigned today, and we don’t pay them enough to put up with the abuse.
If you actually expected resolution to your problem when you placed this call, this must be your first day of rumspringa because you’re clearly new to technology and you have no idea what you’ve just started here. In that case, we sort of apologize that you are about to waste all of this day and half of the next waiting on hold while our agents do the only other thing we trained them to do – forward your call from department to department until your call is abruptly dropped, or you are moved back at the end of the queue. You will know you have successfully completed the entire circuit of agents and been returned to the beginning when you hear “Thank you for calling. You will wait a veeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy long time…”