I have been long silent. It’s a very complicated time.
My 87 year old mother who has Alzheimer’s, now has a broken hip. She wants no intervention, and I totally get that. So her family is just keeping her as comfortable as possible now. We sit and wait with her.
A couple days ago, when she could still speak and the morphine was just kicking in, she was quite determined that I looked tired and should crawl in bed with her. She lifted the blanket and invited “there’s lot’s of room, just hop in!” (smile) She saw my cell phone the other day and kept motioning at it. Turns out, she wanted a picture, so we took a selfie together and that made her almost smile. It’s completely non-flattering to either of us (I should have combed her hair at least!), but she gave it a nod of approval and so I kept it. I wonder what was going on in her mind; I feel she took this very humbling and beautiful picture for me. Like a parting gift. I love it.
I’m stressed and sad, but nightime vigils with her are my favourite time, they revive me. When she’s hurting or scared of the morphine injections, I can just hold her hand and sing her back to sleep. When she’s sleeping, I just relax in the comfy chair and listen to her breath. It’s precious time, and the energy in her room is so good in spite of everything going on. Every day is saying goodbye to the most amazing woman I have ever known, and despite how hard it is, I am very grateful for this time.
She’s heading out on the biggest adventure of her life, and she’s doing it with such strength and such love and care for those she is leaving behind. Mother, right to the end.